3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
