wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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