I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
