Apparently you make a good broom.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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