Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
