this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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