I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
should my penis look like a turkey
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
