the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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