You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
