Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
