maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
