Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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