I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
