hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
When are your genitals available?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
