my phone needs a breathalizer
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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