The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
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