I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
