It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Randomize
