Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
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