Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
