im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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