awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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