She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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