Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
