So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
