life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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