she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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