i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
