i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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