I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
