pop tarts are not kleenex
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
