just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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