I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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