thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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