Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
