About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
