I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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