If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
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The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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