you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
