life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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