Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
