life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
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I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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