I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
