I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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