I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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