he wants to bone in the snuggie
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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