I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
