omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize