Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You were trust falling into bushes
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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