He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
