I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
