There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize