words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
