YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
